Wedding Etiquette

Proper Wedding Etiquette – What it Means to Have a Wedding

Welcome to our video series of the top 20 questions brides ask when planning their wedding. Today I want to tell what it means to have a wedding. You might be thinking, I know what a wedding means, but bear with me for a moment.

You can read along the transcript if you prefer:

Imagine that your fiancé’s birthday is coming up, and that you decide to have a small dinner party with 4 friends coming over to have a little celebration. You plan a nice meal, and some drinks, purchase the ingredients, cook, and have a wonderful evening with your guests. You do not say to your guests as they leave, “oh, by the way, I want $50 to cover the cost of the dinner”, or “where is my fiancé’s birthday present”. It’s just poor form and bad etiquette. Would you say to a friend, “oh, we are celebrating Phil’s birthday with a dinner party, you can’t come to the dinner, but you can come after 9 pm” Of course not. It is insulting that you think they aren’t important enough for the dinner party, but you want to get their gift so invite them to come after. You don’t do that at a birthday party, and you don’t do that at your wedding.

Your wedding is a larger version of a typical home party that you host. You don’t ask for money. You don’t ask for a gift. When you host a party, you are inviting your guests to share your event—in this case, your wedding. You don’t have a cash bar at your home dinner party, so you don’t have a cash bar at your wedding. Whenever you are in doubt as to the proper etiquette of your wedding, consider it from the angle of having a party in your home. A wedding is just a larger version of a home party.

So, that leads us directly into your budget. When you are planning your wedding, it is so important that you establish your budget as early as possible. The Wedding Planning Institute of Canada states that as of 2009 the average urban or city wedding costs $25,000 and the average rural wedding costs $20,000. The average cost of a wedding reception is $50 per person, and that’s just 37% of your total budget.

So many times I get questions from brides who are trying to get everyone they know to their wedding that they forget the basics of true hospitality. Sometimes, brides and grooms need to face the fact that they just can’t afford to invite everyone to their wedding. The purpose of a wedding is not to get money and gifts, but to invite the people who are important to you to share your special day.

So, when I say I want to tell you what it means to have a wedding, what I am really saying is: I want to remind you what true hospitality means. It is so exciting to be getting married, and the urge to have everyone share in your happiness is so strong, it is easy to forget what having a wedding means.

Hosting a party means extending true hospitality to your guests—whether your wedding has 50 guests or 300 guests.

Good luck, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

Wedding Gifts Etiquette – Planning your Beach Wedding Series

Welcome to our video series of the top 20 questions brides ask when planning their wedding. I get a lot of questions about the etiquette of wedding gifts. “How do I tell my guests I want money instead of a gift?” or “How do I tell my guests we don’t want any gifts at all?” or “How do we tell those we haven’t invited to the wedding that we would prefer a gift of money?” These are all common questions I get about wedding gifts.

Read along with the transcript below:

The rules of etiquette regarding thank you notes is as clearly defined as the gift giving process. You never tell someone you exchanged their gift for something else. What you do is thank them for their gift.

How do you thank them? You write a hand written thank you note. No other method is acceptable.

What do you say in the thank you note? You start by identifying whom you are sending the note to by stating their name. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones, or Dear Uncle Jim and Aunt Sally.

Next, you identify the gift, express gratitude from the two of you, and show how it is used or how it will be used. Be personal. “The crystal vase you gave us is absolutely beautiful, and Phil and I are excited that it completes our crystal set perfectly. It is sitting on the dining room table as I write, filled with flowers that Phil brought home for me yesterday.”

If it was a gift of money, you NEVER mention that in the thank you note. Instead you use phrases like: your generosity, or your kindness. For example: “Thank you for your generosity. Phil and I really appreciate it.” AND you follow the rule to show how it will be used. “It will be a great help when we purchase our new home.” DO NOT say you will use it to pay off your bills—even if you are. It is in bad taste.

Identify your past and future relationship with the giver. “Mom tells me that you just came back from Australia. I hope we can meet soon to visit and share stories about your trip.”

End with another Thank you, and sign off. “Thanks again for the beautiful vase.” Love, Leslie. You can use “Yours truly” or any other phrase that feels natural to you.

If the groom is writing the note, he will follow the same rules in writing the note, and then sign it.

The key element is to be genuine in your thankfulness. Be personal. Be gracious and thankful. Thank you notes should be written and sent as you receive your wedding gifts. All thank you notes should be sent within three months of your wedding day.

Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.